Waiting for Joy After Loss
This has been the longest 13 weeks ever and it's been so hard to keep things under wraps. We kept waiting for the "all clear" but just like with everything else in my story, the hurdles continue. There will never be the one perfect moment, but I've had enough waiting and we're ready to share our big news! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!
We're Pregnant!!!!!
What, how, when!? Those were my mom's questions when I called her on April 13th to share the amazing news that I was pregnant. This am after weeks of going into the fertility clinic for blood tests anxious to begin our next FET Cycle. My cancer timeline was adding stress and I was anxious to try one more time before switching gears to the adoption/surrogacy track.
FET Cyle #2
My estrogen was too high to begin an FET cycle and yet I kept spotting making me think my period had arrived. After 3 tests (blood draws and ultrasounds) spread out over a week or so, we started to get confused. Could I have ovulated? We were so busy thinking about the FET cycle and healing from the hysteroscopy to remove my remaining D&C tissues from the January miscarriage that my natural cycle was the last thing on my mind. Mac on the other hand, had held out hope for a natural pregnancy, despite all our loss. I think the self-protectionist in me was avoiding thoughts of getting pregnant naturally to prevent disappointment.
Change of Plans
So what was supposed to be an ultrasound to check on my ability to start a frozen embryo transfer cycle, turned into a pregnancy confirmation!!!!! My HCG was 10,000 indicating I was already about 5 weeks pregnant.
Short Lived Joy
The utter elation I felt was absolutely amazing. I never thought I was going feel that emotion again after our previous losses and was shocked and surprised by my own unbridled joy. It was short lived though. Within 24 hours, I was gushing blood and calling Mac terrified.
Living in Fear
All I could imagine was that the baby was gone and I was miscarrying, but then the bleeding stopped. From that point on though, my joy was stunted. It turned out I had was still pregnant but also had a blood clot in my uterus (called a Subchorionic Hemorrhage). It was not impacting the baby, but it meant I would continue to bleed as the clot worked its way out or was reabsorbed. You can imagine the stress that caused, even though UNC Fertility continued to monitor me with weekly ultrasounds.
The Pregnancy Hurdles Continue
Every pregnancy change, pain, oddity, or bleeding had me terrified the baby was gone and that I was no longer pregnant. Fast forward to last week (11 weeks 5 days) and we were back at the OB with more bleeding issues. This time the bleeding was more intense and more red. It turned out my 'unicorn" status from UNC Fertility carried over and my hurdled continued. we added placenta previa to our new vocabulary.
Placenta Previa means the placenta is sitting low, right on top of my cervix. Luckily when found in the first trimester, this condition normally resolves as the cervix grows and the placenta moves. If it does not resolve, I would need to have a c-section for the safety of the baby, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, due to the bleeding I have been put on restrictions. No sex, no exercise, and no lifting. GAH! I am going stir crazy without my regular walks (all I could manage with first trimester fatigue), but I am trying to embrace this time as a lesson in rest and self-care.
Luckily, in spite of the placenta previa and Subchorionic hemorrhage, baby is doing great! He/she is growing on track, heartbeat is strong and is very active every time we check in.
Balancing the Fear & Joy
The last 13 weeks have been a constant struggle to balance the fear and joy. On the one hand we have been bracing for the worst, scared for what could come. On the other, we are trying to live in the moment and enjoy each milestone - the ultrasounds, the heartbeat and every sight of our little peanut. At every turn we are cautiously optimistic, protecting ourselves from what could be a repeat of the worst pain of our lives. It still feels surreal to say "I am pregnant".
Celebrating Each Milestone
If you're reading this, we're officially past the 12 week mark where miscarriage rates drop significantly. Our magic peanut continues to grow in despite my cancer and pregnancy loss history being against us. While we are not yet out of the woods in terms of a miscarriage (next check points will be at 16 & 20 weeks), I am tired of walking this path in silence. I want each of you all to share these precious moments of joy with us. We are choosing to trust that our rainbow baby is strong like its momma and will continue to grow and thrive. We also know that should anything horrible happen, this community will be here to support us each step of the way just like you were with our previous miscarriage.
Oh Baby... What Questions do you have?
I will be doing a full blog post all about my first trimester (symptoms, cravings, weight gain, and mini bump photos). If you have specific questions you want me to answer in the post, be sure to share them with me in the comments or on social media. As far as the gender, we already have the results of the NIPT test in a sealed envelope but we're waiting to surprise each other at our gender photo shoot later in June with Katie Britt Photography! SO excited.
Thank YOU!!!!
Thank you again from the bottom of our hearts for supporting us through my breast cancer journey, fertility struggles, our nightmares of loss and now as we embark on this season of joy with our rainbow baby!!!
Amazing announcement photos by Jacqueline Reid Photography
Breast cancer survivor, lover of style, beauty and all things pink! Inspiring you to thrive through adversity.
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