For as long as I can remember I dreamed of becoming a mother. Breast cancer, pregnancy loss and many years of pain and healing got in the way, but on November 24th my dream became a reality. Sharing the beautiful story of how Mason made his entrance into the world (3 weeks early) to give all of you dreaming of motherhood a spark of hope.

Now, if you have been following me for a while you know that I have had my share of hurdles. On top of breast cancer and two pregnancy losses, it seems every stage of my treatment brought additional challenges like infections, hematomas and complications. I was prepared for pregnancy and birth to be more of the same… BUT… it looks like I paid my dues to the world and some positive karma came back around for me.

My pregnancy was mostly smooth and pain free (first trimester recap | second trimester recap), until the last few weeks when I was so swollen only my slipper mules from Target fit and everything on my body hurt.

You try being 5’2″, gaining 43lbs and working full time. I know people say being pregnant is not a sickness and compared to breast cancer it was a walk in the park, but by the end I was one tired lady… turns out I didn’t know the meaning of tired yet!

I was in the final 8 day countdown at work and we were preparing for a low Thanksgiving before our induction on December 9th at 39 weeks. Mac was working long hours and weekends to try and finish a big job before baby arrived.

It was Saturday the 23rd and boy was it nasty out. Somehow my swollen self was out and about determined to add the final touches to our tree. One trip to AC Moore, Michaels, and World Market should have left me on the couch begging for mercy, but I pushed through another trip out to Michaels in the rain for more fuzzy ribbon. Note to pregnant mamas, if you have been feeling exhausted and then get one last spurt of energy, you may be near delivery!

I finished that dang tree and collapsed on the couch. My friend Jessie’s 40th birthday bash was at 7:30pm and all I wanted to do was sleep. Now Jessie gave me an out, but I love her so much and I knew our presence at the party would mean a lot so I rallied. I threw a cute sweatshirt over my dress and we headed to Chapel Hill (45 min drive) planning to stay an hour at the most.

Jessie is the best kind of friend! In spite of it being her party, she made sure I had a comfy chair, didn’t walk around too much and had all my food brought to me by minions. Just kidding the minions were really just Mac. So the party is going great, I am seeing old colleagues, having a lovely time and just as we’re winding down to head home, I am sitting in this comfy chair and suddenly I feel water leaking out of me.

Now for any new moms out there, I had been panicking for weeks thinking my water was breaking. The last few weeks of discharge can be so intense it feels like water but I promise you will know the difference!

I calmly turn to a friend next to me and Mac and say “I think my water just broke”. Mac having become accustomed to my daily discharge concerns, kindly reassures me it’s probably nothing. I walk to the guest bathroom in the midst of the party and it’s like a water hose has burst loose.

I am pretty dang proud of myself in this moment. Mac is always an all-star under pressure but me,d not so much. We calmly gather our things, waved goodbye to the party, borrowed a few towels from the host and drove right to the hospital, which ironically was 6 minutes from the party and would normally have been a 45-60 minute drive for us.

Luckily, due to our trip to DC the week prior and my planning ahead we had the hospital bag with everything except toiletries and Mac’s clothes in the car along with the car seat.

I can’t tell you how surreal it was pulling up to the same hospital I was treated at for breast cancer 4 years ago. This time, we were walking in on OUR terms and for an amazing reason. It was happening early, but all I felt was peace. I was ready!

When it came to my birth plan I had three goals. 1. Epidural for me. 2.Bleeding disorder precautions 3. Deliver a healthy & safe baby.

When we arrived at 8:50pm, I was only 1cm dilated so we figured it would be a while. After talking with the doctor, we agreed to wait until 12:30 to recheck and likely begin the epidural and pitocin. At 11:30pm my contractions started picking up intensity and the pain was excruciating. More power to mamas that choose to have an unmedicated birth, but for me pain = anxiety and PTSD so I knew a pain managed birth was the best route for me.

Due to my qualitative platelet disorder, we had a very detailed plan from my hematologist for when and how the epidural should be given and what drugs must be given prior. Every single nurse and doctor commented on how amazing and clear the plan was.

Now, here is where we hit a hiccup. Despite the detailed plan that EVERYONE reviewed and commented on, somehow the drugs were administered in the wrong order and thus my window for the epidural had passed due to hematologist guide. It was at this point that I momentarily lost my mind! The contractions were all consuming and now they were telling me I may not get my epidural after all.

This is where a history of self-advocacy and a partner who knew my goals was essential. The nurses and anesthesiology team owned their mistake, got ahold of the hematology on-call team and finally agreed to place the epidural. I knew my health history and case better than them in that moment and we had to push for my needs & desires.

The epidural was placed without issue and I immediately relaxed! I could still feel the contractions but without the excruciating pain that was present moments before. Shortly after the epidural was placed and kicked in, they started me on a low dose of pitocin. When they rechecked me a little while later at the AM nurse shift change I was only about 3cm. I must admit I was a little disappointed.

I shouldn’t have doubted my body though. Shortly after that check, my body started contracting more intensely on its own and we had to turn the Pitocin off.

When the AM doctor team made rounds at 8:30am, they figured it would be an afternoon or evening delivery but my amazing nurse Abby encouraged them to recheck based on what she had been seeing.

The doctor goes down to check, looks up at me with a smile and says well… you’re fully dilated, it’s go time. In two and a half hours my body went from 3cm to 10cm and it was push time.

We called my doula, the docs prepped Mac and my nurse team got the room ready.

Now, it must be said that Abby was one amazing L&D Nurse. Her energy filled the room from the minute she came on shift encouraging me and giving me all the empowerment I needed to travel this last leg of delivery. With Abby, Mac, my doula Melissa and a L&D nursing student by my side I was ready to push.

Pushing was unlike anything I have ever experience in my life. It was overwhelmingly emotionally, immensely exhausting and empowering all at once. I felt like a major badass as my tribe coached my through the process.

For anyone considering an epidural and curious about pushing, I could still recognize the contractions and push but there was no pain. My legs were a big numb and Mac and my team had to help me hold them as I pushed. Keep in mind each woman’s response to an epidural may be different.

After two hours of pushing, it was finally time. My team cheered me on, and the emotions poured out of me. All of my remaining fear and doubt melting away and the reality sunk in. In minutes we would meet our son.

Mason crowned and Mac had the honor of helping the doctors pull him out and put him on my chest. Mac and I sobbed with joy as we welcome Mason into the world at 11:56am.

The two weeks since his birth have been surreal, exhausting and magical. Everyday we stare at him in awe that he is ours after this long and painful road. While each woman’s path to motherhood is different I hope that my birth story can bring comfort and hope to someone who needs it.

I know I will enjoy looking back and rereading these memories for years to come. Dear Mason, thank you for making me a mama sweet boy, we am so in love and so grateful you are our son.